2/22/2006 05:12:00 PM|W|P|Robert Mang|W|P|So things did not go as well today as they had yesterday. I basically wasted the whole day today. I just did not get much accomplished. I think we could stay I’m fairly behind now. But we are far from all being lost. I will need to take those two tests, which I had planed to take today, Thursday afternoon or Friday morning. I’ll probably need to take an additional two tests that I missed when I was in the hospital. Obviously this is poor timing, but it has been a month. I guess I’ll try to squeeze one in this week and delay the other one till next week. I haven’t gotten anywhere with my second paper yet. Right now, I’m planning on doing the question I hadn’t planned on doing. It makes only a small difference in terms of research that needs to be done, but there’s more material to work with which makes for an easier paper to write. My (modest) goal for tonight is to investigate writing about the other topic and see if I can stick with it or see if I need to go back to the first question. On a more positive note, today stands to be my seventh consecutive good day, at least from a mental health perspective.|W|P|114064639918506246|W|P|Update Deux|W|P|76mang@cua.edu2/25/2006 09:37:00 PM|W|P| MegS|W|P|I'm so proud of you. :-) you're taking things one step at a time and getting them done...and not getting discouraged.

Each step back doesn't represent starting again at square one. Just a single step that you can totally recover.

Being busy and having good mental health days seem to be linked, as you proposed.

PS I went on a commenting spree on your blog. Get your lazy readers to comment more, those bums. I hate lurkers!2/27/2006 05:03:00 PM|W|P| MegS|W|P|have you been commenting on more blogs? your "profile views" has jumped by 23 in a couple of days! :-)2/27/2006 05:07:00 PM|W|P| Robert Mang|W|P|Negative. I've been busy not writing papers. Post to come regarding that, of course.2/21/2006 07:48:00 PM|W|P|Robert Mang|W|P|So good news, my first paper is done. It may be a day late, but it's not a dollar short. It's not my best work, but I only need a low C on it and I'm short on time. It's a very werid thing to have something done. I didn't complete any major assignments during my abbreviated fall semester at Catholic. I finished one in my “winter” course at HCC but that was more of a limp to an end rather than anything else. I e-mailed it to the teacher at 11:59, the deadline was 12:00. And it sucked. I took classes over the summer, but my second one didn't have papers. The first one had a couple of short ones, but those were typed the morning they were due. So yeah, it's been awhile for me. And to have it done with days to spare is just foreign. I haven't even printed it out yet, I'm waiting for tomorrow morning to read it. Then I'll either post it on the OOTP messageboard or I'll send it in. I probably won't post it because, in hindsight, I would have rathered that I had took a different approach. I don't have time to revise it now, but it's a possibility that I will when the current crisis is over. I am a bit behind schedule. It took me one, not two days, to finish the first paper. I didn't practice for the tests today, either. I figure I'll practice and take the tests tomorrow. The goal will be to get the six page paper due by Friday, if not sooner. That still leaves Saturday and Sunday for researching the 10 pager and Monday and Tuesday to write it. So thinks are still good. And I'm still excited.|W|P|114056943045190013|W|P|Update|W|P|76mang@cua.edu2/25/2006 09:34:00 PM|W|P| MegS|W|P|You can do it!!! One step at a time!2/20/2006 11:09:00 AM|W|P|Robert Mang|W|P|The next nine days have the potential to be a lot of fun. They also have the potential to be an unmitigated disaster. By Friday, I need to complete a 2000 word paper, a two page paper and two tests. That’s manageable. But things get interesting because by next Wednesday I need to write a 10 page paper, a six page paper, and another two page one. There’s also two more tests which I could have to take during this period. Most of the work is for classes which I hand an incomplete in, so it sticks well with the theme. And the work is very familiar, but not in a good way. Outside of some fairly complete research on the 2000 word paper, some good notes I took months ago for the six page paper, and mediocre amount of research done months ago on the 10 page paper I could not be more unprepared for this. After all those months of complaining that I have nothing to do, how could I let it come to this? Easy. That’s just the way I am. For better or worse. And you know what, this really does have a lot potential to be fun. I just have to stay focused and avoid getting overwhelmed. And instead of beating myself up over getting into this mess, I have to remember that I’ve faced a lot of adversity over the past year, but I’m still here and still fighting. So silly somewhat noble speech over, here’s the latest plan of attack. I’m going home, I’m at school right now, and getting to work on the 2000 page paper. Hopefully, I can finish it today. It’s funny that I was, subconsciously or consciously, trying to get away from the paper by working on the computer class. Now, I’m shoving the computer class, and its two tests, away to work on the paper. But the paper has to be my top priority and it would be a big morale boast to get it done. From there, I’m not sure where to go. I just found out that I need to give more attention to the computer class because I got a 55 on the preparatory homework. I guess I’ll devote Tuesday morning, if I get up, to practicing for those tests. If all goes according to plan, the big paper will already been done and I’ll be able to take one test Wednesday morning and the other test Thursday evening. Since we’re still living in a dream world, I can work on my six page paper Wednesday afternoon. It’s conceivable that I could even finish it, but I think we’ve had enough optimism already. Thursday will go as a rest day, I’ll finish up any unfinished essays and write the short paper which is due Friday. Saturday and Sunday will begin a four day jihad with the ten pager. Those days, Saturday at home and Sunday at CUA, will be spent researching. Monday and Tuesday will be for writing. I’ll pump the short paper out, too. No rest for the weary as I imagine I’ll have to take those other two tests which I warned could materialize. Hopefully, I can delay taking them until Wednesday and Thursday. So yeah, it would be swell if it all happens like that. It is picture perfect, but a guy can dream can’t he? I’m sorry that this was so long and I imagine that after the second paragraph it got pretty boring. But I enjoyed dreaming. Kudos for making it this far, if you did.|W|P|114045179142767830|W|P|The more things change, the more they stay the same|W|P|76mang@cua.edu2/21/2006 02:36:00 AM|W|P| twins15|W|P|Why are you writing on a blog? Get writing on all those papers!! ;)2/25/2006 09:30:00 PM|W|P| MegS|W|P|596!! HOLLA!!

I think that most people can't get going on papers until they're filled with self-loathing for procrastinating and a fire is lit under their ass.

Hope it's all going well!2/17/2006 04:06:00 PM|W|P|Robert Mang|W|P|This should be a happy post. I had a good day yesterday and I am coping fine today. But in my structureless, meaningless world, pathetic existence kind of a world I can't help but know that tomorrow I'm going to do the same thing I did today. The same will be true of Sunday. Only each day will be progressively more uneventful because I will have used up things to do the day before. Human beings are made to do things and not to sit around the house not doing anything. I am a mess in this regard. And I have years of neglecting myself to thank for this. It's probably not really my fault, but that doesn't matter. Turning our focus away from self loathing, and instead to something more positive: my first social outing in decades. Seriously. Anyways, I went to the International Spy Museum with a girl I met during my third hospital stay. There's a good chance she'll be pursuing her ph.d at Duke next fall. Right now she's on week three of home rest/outpatient therapy. That's a lot of school to miss. But anyways, I thought the museum was fairly fluffy. Definitely not worth the $15 admission. But I think we were both just happy to be out and doing something. After we went through the motions at the museum, we walked around for about an hour or so. We walked for so long because the street was shutdown for the President and she wanted to see the motorcade. After that we walked over to the Capitol and then over to Union Station where we parted ways. Her back home, I was going over to Catholic to pick up some library books. One odd quirk about our day was that we bumped into each other, on the metro/train, when were coming down. At first I thought this was really an earth shattering occurance. There's millions of trains and they each have like 12 cars so what are the chances. But I've thought about it some more and it wasn't really that unlikely of an event. It was just after noon and they were doing track work so there wasn't that many trains. We were both headed to the same place, on the same line, with the same arrival time. Yes, there's a lot of cars but some are more populated than others. I think I was one car away from being the center one. So while it's still an odd quirk, it's not really that earth shattering, imo. This day shows the difference between a normal existence and mine. I didn't really have that much fun or doing anything of significance. Yet I still, outside of the back pains that I've picked up, was most content. My existence now doesn't really offer me the chance to be content. I really need to get off my ass and get serious about getting a job, logistical problems be damned. If not that, I need to bite the bullet and do outpatient therapy (that would be going to the hospital everyday from like 9-3 for a few weeks/a month). But something needs to be done. Of course, this will probably get about as far as Tuesday's promise to be dedicated to structure. I tried to, but you can't just snap your fingers with these things.|W|P|114021043862502961|W|P|Groundhog day|W|P|76mang@cua.edu2/25/2006 09:26:00 PM|W|P| MegS|W|P|want to hang out?2/14/2006 01:01:00 AM|W|P|Robert Mang|W|P|There's good news! I will not be sitting here whining till enterity. There are dedicated mental health professionals out there who are trying to help me get better. I have two of them, one for medicine and one for emotions. They're both great, but the later Dr. S is the one we're talking about tonight. (Note: I'm not calling him Dr. S in as part of an overdone internet more; I'm doing it because his last name is hard to spell) Anyways, Tuesday night was my third session with Dr. S and, like the first two, it was an eventful one. It took me a while to figure this out, but he is squarely placing responsibility for my situation on my shoulders. It's my situation so my shoulders are a prudent spot for it, but all the same I am a bit disconcerted by it. It's a lot of pressure really. And there's another aspect too, I see our, Dr.S and I's, relationship as somewhat adversarial. It's probably one sided. It's definitely one sided. But still, I feel that if I fail, he will see it as me not agreeing with him. I want to save the times he sees me as not agreeing for the times I actually don't agree with him. Like tonight, when he suggested that I didn't take Catholic seriously and that I was mad at my parents so I underperformed in an effort to get their attention or spite them or something. I dunno. I wasn't really following him on this point. I wasn't insulted, but I do think that I have grounds to be. I'm sure that people have done it, but I'm not about to scuttle my life in an effort to spite my parents. If anything, I was overly worried about blowing the 35K a year they were spending on Catholic. And it wasn't an 'if anything', my unease with the cost of Catholic is probably the biggest reason I couldn't embrace the school and ultimately ended up leaving. And this leads us back to whether or not I took school seriously. I'm not sure exactly how other people define seriously, but I would look at it as not thinking it was important. I see school as very important. That did not translate into me being much more than average student, but that was not because I didn't take school seriously. So back to my new found personal responsibility. Dr. S is a stickler for personal responsibility; he hasn't said so, but it's easy to see.. He feels that the key to my salvation is structure. It may be an overstatement to say that he thinks it will lead to salvation, but I agree with him that it is very important. The problem is I have nothing to structure. One class, no job, no car lends itself to that. I am working on fixing all those things, but that's where we stand at the present. I've done my best and have come up with a meager to do list for tomorrow. Although, with some late revisions it's actually not that bad. The key to this exercise is that when we have problems we try and push through so we can get our stuff done. The problem has been that I have nothing to push through for. Now, I just hope that I can get out of bed tomorrow morning and conquer these demons. The whole 'not wanting to get out of bed' thing has been a problem of late. 597 words, meg. I hope you're happy!|W|P|113989692304116995|W|P|Ranting and Raving|W|P|76mang@cua.edu2/25/2006 09:20:00 PM|W|P| MegS|W|P|I ate this post UP!! Like a good book, it kept going. :-)

Dr. S sounds like a solid guy. And I love that you specified that you shortened his name due to the spelling. Blogging is in the details.

Seeing as how I knew you in your Catholic days, and I had a way of being extremely nosy and asking you about everything, you definitely seemed to be concerned about school work.

I know what you mean about not being insulted. It's like "I can see what you're saying...and I understand....but I think you're wrong."

What else was I going to say...crap. I'm going to read it again (because I love to reread) and I'll write another comment.2/25/2006 09:23:00 PM|W|P| MegS|W|P|oh yes!

I totally agree with you (again) about having stuff to do and structure. I was a WASTE of SPACE this summer because all I was doing was applying to jobs. All the jobs were on the internet, so basically all I was doing was writing in my blog, reading others, going to slate.msn.com, etc etc. I need something on my shoulders, forcing me to get my ass in gear.

another thing I loved about this post. your vocab words! Prudent! Scuttle! Music to my brain.2/13/2006 04:39:00 PM|W|P|Robert Mang|W|P|I'm a bad person I just can't function. Can't do anything write. I've been sitting here for the past twenty minutes with one arm in my sweatshirt, the rest of it not on me. I've progressed to sitting here with two arms in the sweatshirt. I keep thinking that this will be the day that I finally do something productive. But the most that I can manage is turn this blog into a gloomy outlet of self-loathing And no one wants that I still haven't put the damn sweat shirt on|W|P|113986682025268962|W|P|Negative Energy|W|P|76mang@cua.edu2/25/2006 09:14:00 PM|W|P| MegS|W|P|let us help you put your figurative sweatshirt on.

(and literal, if you want that help! We're an accomodating bunch)

*hug*2/11/2006 10:14:00 PM|W|P|Robert Mang|W|P|So yeah, I'm emotionally a run away train right now, I'm not sure why. Let's try something a little more lighthearted, in bullet points format!: Duke vs. Maryland – We didn't only lose, but we were mostly not even in the game. We had a bit of a run before halftime but Duke came right back after the break. From then on, we were mostly limited to trying to keep their lead to single digits. Not fun. But you can't really expect better. Duke's good, scary dude. And this team (maryland) has a lot of issues. I don't know where Maryland sits in the national picture, now that they not ranked, but they're not looking good for the tourney. 5-5 in the ACC is pretty solid, however. So all is not lost. Snow – Snow is only good for getting out of school. And after being spoiled by having people shovel it for me at school, I'm really not a fan of shoving it. My dad said 10 inches were on the way, but it turned out that it's been largely too warm for it to stick. It is starting to stick a little bit now, but disaster should be avoided. I am glad I don't have to walk to classes/meals in it. P.S. About eight hours passed between when I wrote and posted this, a lot more snow fell during that time. My dad's hearing – Is really going. I've found that he doesn't respond if he doesn't have a line of sight with the speaker. I have to say everything to him twice now. It's really comical when I consciously wait for the command to repeat myself. I wish he would get hearing aids; it would make things easier on everyone and I am sure he would feel a lot better. But he insists that he can hear fine and that he doesn't have a problem hearing people at work. So I think the roller coaster posts a lot more compelling than the more mundane stuff. Hopefully we can find some sort of medium between the two can be found. I also think this entry sucks.|W|P|113971421958780799|W|P|Roller Coaster|W|P|76mang@cua.edu2/25/2006 09:11:00 PM|W|P| MegS|W|P|I love shoveling snow, as long as it's not an urgent "gotta shovel out the pregnant lady before her contractions get more serious!!" type of thing.

It brings me to a Walt Whitman frame of mind.

RE your dad...I guess part of getting older? Kinda scary. Hopefully he'll get hearing aids! He'll prob get them and think "why didn't I do this sooner?"2/11/2006 11:54:00 AM|W|P|Robert Mang|W|P|So here goes my first official “writing about it” similar to “talking about it” attempt. It doesn't seem to be working that well, however. Because I am only getting more frustrated. Anyways, it amazing the range of emotions that I am able to feel in just one week. Deep depression, relatively normal/mild mania, terrified and now mild depression/unable to function. It''s sad really. I can be anything I want to be. But I just can't summon the willpower to get out of bed, let alone do any work. And it's not like there isn't work which needs to get down. The work for my two incomplete classes, one from Catholic and the other from HCC, is due at the end of the month. It would really be in my best interests to get it done well before then, because the early application deadline for Maryland is March 1st and it would be good for me to have all my grades in order. Of course, the last few days I haven't even been able to do basic things like attend to personal hygiene. Hell, since I am not leaving the house, I haven't even bothered getting dressed. And I'm apathetic enough that I'm exposing all my failings in public. Back to willpower for a second – since these really are ramblings and I really em just jumping all over the fucking place, I would rate my lack of willpower right up there with my lack of discipline his as my biggest flaw, but I can actually be quite determined at times. This makes things even more frustrating/depressing. So now to end this abomination of a piece literature on somewhat of a positive note, this is the sort of day which, in the past, would have led to me playing 15 hours of poker. At least I don't do that anymore. P.S. I'm too apathetic to proofread this post. Sorry.|W|P|113967694586717417|W|P|apathy stinks|W|P|76mang@cua.edu2/11/2006 10:18:00 PM|W|P| MegS|W|P|read about it. thinking about it. will have a productive comment later (hopefully).2/11/2006 11:50:00 PM|W|P| Robert Mang|W|P|I wouldn't get too worked up about it (not thaat you would). I am already well past it. As unthinkable as that might sound,2/13/2006 01:59:00 AM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|I used to think a lot of my problems with doing my work was motivational. Then I saw how absolutely determined I was to do it during the times I was *able* to do it.

Something else is wrong. You aren't just lazy. (I don't think you really think you are, though.) It can just be hard to convince yourself that something else is going on, and you can't just "pick yourself up by the bootstraps." Which is in turn depressing, because... well, exactly what you're writing here.

Not that this is really all that helpful a comment. :(2/10/2006 01:23:00 PM|W|P|Robert Mang|W|P|(That title is referring to the title of the previous entry) I find myself questioning my very existence. And not in a noble Aristotelian or Descartes esque way. Instead, what I'm really questioning is my own sanity. There really are times, like now, that I truly doubt that I am in control of all my facilities. This is, I think, separate from my depressive and manic episodes and centered more around anxiety. It's difficult to remember, let alone describe, what I feel which makes it difficult for me to take it to a doctor. Even now, despite reportedly having one of these episodes – I cannot put it into words. I do suspect that I am through it now, because I've regained control of myself through writing. I'll have to make a note of this, as writing could be a good escape method for me. What got me out of sorts might be sorta of interesting. Bipolar people drift between two states: manic and depressive. The depressive one is easy to understand. The manic one is a bit different. It's believed to be an unnaturally high level of happiness or a similarly high level of irritability. It's a much better place to be in than the depressive phase but it does make a person act in an unnaturally way, generally like an reckless asshole. Although, sometimes people are really likable when they're manic. There's other behavioral changes too, but I try to keep all posts to 400 words or less. The behavioral changes aside, the real danger is the change from feeling wonderful to going back to a depressed state again. That's really hard to handle and that is what has me so terrified right now. There's nothing that I can really do about it. I just have to hope to be cured before the cycle shifts again. I wish I wish I was religious enough to pray. I'm not even sure whether you can be cured or not. But I do know it's highly treatable as long as the patient cooperates. It wasn't just the fear thing which had my so out of sorts, it was the artificial feeling that I have/had. It's unnerving to repeatedly identify your actions as symptoms. It makes me wonder if I exist anymore, or if there's just a disease now.|W|P|113959585637466525|W|P|Or does it?|W|P|76mang@cua.edu2/11/2006 03:03:00 AM|W|P| twins15|W|P|you're in my thoughts mang. hope things get better for you.2/11/2006 11:43:00 AM|W|P| MegS|W|P|a few things:

1) Keep it under 400 words?! Not fun! It's scary that I typed over a 1,000 in about 35 minutes. I can just go on and on when it's about me, huh? I love that you noticed and commented about it.

2) One of my blog friends is bipolar, and he's blogged about similar feelings. Let me know if you want to chat with him.

3) I believe in the power of prayer...I'll toss a few up for you. :-)

4) After a week of not seeing him, I passed by my Rem Doppelganger yesterday. Is it pathetic that I feel like he's my friend?2/11/2006 12:09:00 PM|W|P| Robert Mang|W|P|meg,

1) You should, of all people, should know that people like it short and concise

2) how about the url for his blog?

3) the positive energy of this comment has made me feel much better (since I posted that lost blog) thanks!

4) I think it's cool that you're calling me rem now2/11/2006 10:16:00 PM|W|P| MegS|W|P|his blog url is

http://dwpwlm.blogspot.com/

check out his first post, back in August.

holla :-)2/11/2006 11:51:00 PM|W|P| Robert Mang|W|P|Your friend writes very, very, very, very well. Although, he's not a fan of the 400 words rule. :)2/08/2006 08:32:00 PM|W|P|Robert Mang|W|P|So Saturday's entry was some heavy stuff. I am sorry, I hope it didn't take anyone too far out of their comfort zone. Although to the contrary, it seems to have drawn out some new readers. I do feel that I was able to well illustrate the despair I felt. Anyways, needless to say, Saturday was a rough day. It had been pretty rough for a while. The hospital provided a temporary respite, but only temporary. On Friday, my dr. begged me to reduce my class load from three to one. Begged. Up until that point, I had been denial about this disease and what it would do to my ability to function as a student. When I first came home, I was ready and eager to do my makeup work when I get back. I ended up in the hospital. I was back on campus within two days. I ended up in the hospital again. I wanted incompletes in all my classes. I explored going to school full-time at a four year college this spring, but thankfully elected to wait for better timing. I went to community college instead and wanted to max out my number of courses and steal an associates' degree in one semester, plus fall and summer classes. I failed, or would have fallen, in all of this. But, I didn't realize that. I ignored my shortcomings and kept pushing forward. Until Friday, when I came out of denial. Although I think I'm back in denial already. Just a different one. I'm not sure if I could make it without denial It's hard to believe that Friday night and Saturday were only about 35 hours of time. It was probably the most painful period in my lifetime and, I'm afraid, that's saying something. Thankfully, it passed by Sunday morning and I've been doing much better since then. I wonder how long it'll be until things reverse themselves again.|W|P|113944878022477193|W|P|Life Goes On|W|P|76mang@cua.edu2/09/2006 04:14:00 PM|W|P| MegS|W|P|Holla Robert,

Sorry I didn't comment on your last one, I read it, was in a hurry, and meant to come back. No excuse, but I want you to know that I read it and was very impressed.

If there's anything I've learned about blogging, it's that people love the heavy stuff, because it's real. None of the "And then I drank a coke! and it was good!" crapola.

Take it slow. Keep it loose, keep it tight. You are worth whatever the time things take. And I am so glad that you are with people who care about you.

BTW, on a random note, sometimes, when on my way to work, I pass by a guy who kind of resembles you. I always think of you then!2/13/2006 01:51:00 AM|W|P| Anonymous|W|P|Sort of weird typing this while talking to you on AIM, but oh well.

This sounds so much like me it isn't funny.

You have an entirely different problem, needless to say. But... still, wow.

It's so hard to face that yeah, something is wrong with you. And then you recognize that and try to go on living your old life and realize... hey, something is wrong with you, and it keeps you from being able to do what you want to do.

I went to school in fall '04, had no car, had to walk a couple miles to the grocery store (every week, because I could only carry back so much), had 15 units I had to walk a mile to twice a day (because my schedule was so spread out). Obvious how I failed so quickly there.

Went back summer 05, took nine units, which in summer classes is the equivalent of 18. If I hadn't had those units split between two sessions, I'd have died. As it was I only barely squeaked by (fortunately with good grades).

Move straight onto fall 05 with only a week's break. 12 units. Car this time. I can handle it, right? No, instead I end up going through about four or five mini-flare-ups and dropping half those units in November. I only completed 50% of the work for one remaining class (the prof was very gracious in grading me) and about 75% of the work in the other class (the prof was far fairer in grading me).

Those six weeks of winter break? Beautiful. Nothing to do. Rest.

Now I'm back for spring 06, nine whole units, three which are a web class (read: I don't have to make it to class at all, which is my major problem). I'm still stressed to my limit, and I'm only on my third week.

I'm not doing anything extra. I'm making myself two light meals a day, doing my laundry every couple weeks, and showering every couple days (if I'm lucky). And sitting here. That's all I do besides school. And I'm barely handling nine freakin' units.

It's hard to face the fact that you can't do what you've always thought you could do. That you can't be "normal." I've had to fight against my delusions of normalcy my whole life; it only just smacked me in the face after I had to go home from college.

Anyway, you know my thoughts are with you. I can't and don't experience everything you do, but you definitely have my sympathy.2/04/2006 10:57:00 PM|W|P|Robert Mang|W|P|Time moves so slowly Every second of every day, slowly, and dutifully ticks by. I star at my watch waiting for the next event. Five minutes has gone by, that's a small triumph My next chance at some meaning, of something lively, something exciting. The seconds stop ticking and nothing happens. Instead I start waiting for that event to finally be over. So that I can start waiting for the next event. Nothing but waiting. Finally it's late enough that I can go to sleep. I am able to escape into a world free of frustrations, free of disappointments, free of pressures and free of failures. It's the only place I can function. But again the clock is my enemy. During the day it moves too slowly, at night it moves quickly. This is my depression. A land of never wanting to be there, always wanting to be someplace else until I get to someplace else and then wanting to be in a different place again. It's not that bad. I sorta of have it down to a science. Also, that's actually only a little bit of depression, but it's enough for now. This is why I had to go to the hospital twice last fall and more recently from January 26th to February 2nd. I haven't had the energy to update my blog since I returned and I have really been in a bad state. I do hope that I will get back to my normal pace soon.|W|P|113911206106460476|W|P|Waiting|W|P|76mang@cua.edu