4/29/2006 11:40:00 PM|W|P|Robert Mang|W|P|Just go to bed
and live to fight another day
this is the best i could come up with after a dozen attempts
fear not my faithful readers,
all will be well
one day|W|P|114636845871526255|W|P||W|P|76mang@cua.edu5/01/2006 01:05:00 PM|W|P| MegS|W|P|rather poetic, if you ask me.5/02/2006 12:34:00 AM|W|P| Robert Mang|W|P|It's funny. I do aim for poetry when I am in these fits. But I literally know nothing about poetry, so I truly have no idea how much I succeed or fail. Maybe I should get a book on poetry.5/02/2006 02:46:00 AM|W|P| twins15|W|P|And I like the minimal use of punctuation. Very rugged poetry... and as you can tell I also know nothing about poetry. :)5/02/2006 08:16:00 AM|W|P| MegS|W|P|I know nothing about poetry either...but what's that's saying? "I can't define pornography, but I know it when I see it" - some dude, I forget who5/02/2006 03:45:00 PM|W|P| Robert Mang|W|P|It was a supreme court justice.5/05/2006 09:27:00 AM|W|P| |W|P|Potter Stewart4/28/2006 02:20:00 PM|W|P|Robert Mang|W|P|There's no real point to this, it was just fun or appropriate or whatever to reminisce.
Today is Catholic's last day of classes. Last year's end of classes day was the same as one of the more important days of my life and perhaps one of my most shining days. It was the end of my drastic effort not to fail out of school while at the same time dealing with issues which had me crying in my therapist's office. I had been up all night two of the past three nights. I ended up falling asleep, around 9:30, with the laptop next to me on bed while playing poker and waiting for my mother to call. I had skipped work that morning, as I had made a habit of doing that last month. This time was because I had a history paper due – a class in which the teaching assistant had erroneously told me that I would fail; I ended up with a 75.
After class, I went to work. Meg was there; our supervisor was not. The way it worked was that we were computer maintenance people and our office was responsible for checking each room on campus at least once a week. This was an easy task: we usually checked each room three or four times a week. However it was the last week of school, so everyone, myself included, meg possibly excluded, had not been at work. We were laid back like that. Anyways, for whatever reason I felt it was my responsibility to make sure we reached our quota.
So Meg and I went on our way. Around 3pm, I think. My dad called to tell me that he had kicked my mother out of the house; there might have already been a restraining or protection order, and that they would be going to court next week. I took this is stride. I was happy that my mother was gone. I had a letter written to my parents telling them about my struggles but I had not sent it yet. It was addressed to the two of them, so it didn't seem appropriate to send it anymore. So I told my dad then. He had already found out that I had gambling problem. I had already picked up on him knowing that. So that part of the conversation was quickly dispensed with. He was accepting of the depression problem too, although he felt I should be taking medication. He didn't freak out when I told him about my potential academic ruin; that was mostly avoided although he was, understandably, upset when I ended up failing philosophy. Anyways, I was talking with him for like 30 minutes on the phone while I was at work. I came back and apologized to meg and told her what had happened with my parents.
When finished shortly there after and went out to McMahon. McMahon is a big and old building. It's not the student center but it is geographically the center of campus. As we went over, we could see that they were setting up for a huge end of the semester party. It was really well done. I didn't go. Meg did, with her ex-boyfriend. I was working on the rooms in McMahon when around 5:30 I decided I should call my mom and sisters. When I went outside to talk to them, I was locked out of the building.
So I went back to my dorm, I am not sure why I bypassed the party. I messed around, probably mostly playing poker until I inevitably fell asleep. I am not sure when I eventually talked to my mother. The next day, I finished up where I had left off at work.
It seems like it should have been a painful day: I got bad news, I didn't go to the party, etc. But the reality was it was probably one of the more relaxing days of my life. So much resolution. The end of the semester, save for finals, telling my dad about my problems, getting my mom out of the house, coming through at work. Everything went right, really.
I guess I feel left out this year because I am missing all the excitement and fun, so this is my way of taking part.|W|P|114624846448432591|W|P|364 days ago|W|P|76mang@cua.edu4/29/2006 07:10:00 PM|W|P| MegS|W|P|You're what I remember about that day...I felt as though you telling me what had happened forged us a little bond.
I always enjoyed working with you - and something about the McMahon computer lab at the end of the day instills a warm feeling.
A year later, I'm a much happier person. It seems as though you are too...4/26/2006 10:37:00 PM|W|P|Robert Mang|W|P|I want to be this big bad intellectual dude. Really smart. Well read. Well spoken. Capable of great things.
But reality is that I am not this big bad intellectual dude. I am slow to pick up on things and not the sharpest knife in the draw with on the fly thinking. I suck at reading. I might have been good at it when I was a kid, but I am not now. I am okay with speaking, I guess. I suppose I am capable of great things. I am just not this scholar that I want to be.
Right now I am feeling very unworthy and my self-confidence is pretty low; this is not to be confused with low self-esteem. I am nervous, scared, frighted, petrified about going back to school. I am terrified that I'll fail again. Only there's one problem with that, I didn't fail the first time. I was mediocre my freshman year. But that said, I was content with my first semester and while my second semester was a considerable step downwards, I was sick then. I wasn't doing well last fall, but I was very sick then.
I believe my fear of returning, a fear that is very real, comes from my poor performance this spring. But shouldn't that be kind of canceled out by doing well this winter? I dunno. I think it just shows how much I suck when my focus is gone and how good I can be when it's there. Sorry if this is coming out as a ramble. Anyways, I think taking mostly journalism classes will help. They, I hope, play to my strengths.
So anyways, I don't have anything else to say. Have a nice day!|W|P|114610548283694021|W|P|*sighs*|W|P|76mang@cua.edu4/26/2006 10:57:00 PM|W|P| MegS|W|P|Secret: I claim to be a fast learner (because all employers want that!) but really..it takes me a bit. Kinda long, actully. And a couple of times of screwing up. But once I got it, I got it.
Remember that guy at CPIT who had the messy office? Looked kind of like one of Santa's elves? He had a story on his door, about a CEO who said that he went through everything hoping that everyone wouldn't find out that he's not as smart as they all think he is.
Point is..we're all afraid of that. You're worthy of all this - you've been working your butt off. If there's anyone that deserves to be in those classes, and to learn what they have to show, it's you.4/26/2006 10:58:00 PM|W|P| MegS|W|P|hahaha we were leaving each other comments at the same time!! :-)4/27/2006 10:17:00 PM|W|P| |W|P|Hang in there, rem. You don't read to be well read; you read because you're interested in what you're reading, and you wake up one day and realize you're "well read". You do write well, and communication is half the battle in any line of work, so you've got a built-in advantage right there. The other half is simply showing up. If you show up, listen and communicate, you'll do fine in just about any line of work.4/24/2006 11:28:00 PM|W|P|Robert Mang|W|P|If you ever, ever want anything from me all you need is those four words: “you write very well.” There's nothing that's so uplifting, so able to make me happy, and so inducing of a million fist pumps. Speaking of a million fist pumps, I was accepted by Maryland over the weekend and that was certainly cause for celebration. I really doubted whether or not I would get in and I am really not sure how I would have survived the less appealing ways of spending my time which would have been necessitates had I not been accepted.
Thankfully, I don't have to worry about of that. I am, however, worried. Very worried. Terrified ever, petrified to be more exact that I am not going to do well at Maryland. That I'll be depressed again, that I won't be able to handle the anxiety, or worst of all: that'll do what I have always done and not work hard. Not study, not read, not go to class. All of those horribly destructive things that I can do to my self. I can say that I've seen the errors of my ways. But I'll need a 93% the rest of the way in the community college class I am taking now just to pull a C. 93% for just a C. I can say that I was not stimulated well in the past and in my current class, but I messed around in my first journalism class last fall and wasn't doing as well as I should've when the wheels fell off.
I might be presumptuous of me to say this considering that I have rarely demonstrated that I have these talents but I do believe that I have, and always have had, the ability to do a lot of really great things. Unfortunately, my motivation to do well has always been lacking. It's not that I didn't want to do well; I just always look for short cuts – that might serve me well as a lawyer one day, but it's not helping me now. It seems this search for short cuts always ends up to trying to get through the class without doing any work, or at least the least possible work. I don't do bad with it. I am pretty sure I could graduate from college without changing. But I'd feel like a failure the entire way; a waste of my parents' money.
So I just to find it within me, to find some self-discipline within myself. It's certainly not a noble plight, but everyone has their cross.
But anyways, back to writing well, which I hope I do well with in this space, and feeling good, which I definitely do. I have another writing gig; “you write very well”was the first four words of the e-mail I got back. I am not sure how this one compares to the first. The first one isn't really working out too well right now, hence the exploration of other opportunities, but I think it has a very high celling so I will do my best to stick with it. The second is a weekly Orioles column, something that's really plays to my strengths for a site called www.spikesballparks.com. I am not sure how serious they are, or reputable I guess, but they're calling this an internship and I am getting 500 business cards. Coincidently, I considered printing up business cards for PressBox, just for the novelty. I also sent an e-mail to some magazine. We'll see if that goes anywhere.|W|P|114593573995028341|W|P|You write very well!|W|P|76mang@cua.edu4/25/2006 02:21:00 PM|W|P| |W|P|You write very well. I enjoyed this blog.4/26/2006 10:50:00 PM|W|P| MegS|W|P|You do write very well. And I'm with you on it being the highest compliment that anyone can give me.
Look at you, writing gigs coming out of your ears. You're inspiring me to look for extra writing opportunities! Thank you!4/26/2006 10:53:00 PM|W|P| Robert Mang|W|P|http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/
Craig's list has a lot of stuff. A fair amount of it is good.4/27/2006 02:19:00 AM|W|P| twins15|W|P|4/27/2006 02:20:00 AM|W|P| twins15|W|P|you write well, or at least better than me! glad to the see the internship seems to be going pretty well, or at least this new one. good luck in school!4/20/2006 09:00:00 PM|W|P|Robert Mang|W|P|Asks my nearly 60-year-old MOTHER. Honestly, I am not sure if that question would be weirder coming from the mother or father but it's a bad, uncomfortable, gross thing either way. We, thankfully, did not go to lunch at Hooters. We went someplace else and after I suggested that I enjoyed covering the soccer team, for the student newspaper, last fall in part because the girls were “hot” she asked me to describe my perfect girl. When I refused, she asked me if I considered my sister to be hot. YUCK!
Anyways, the reason we were in Baltimore was because of the previously mentioned opportunity I had at a new newspaper. Well, I was able to secure a position. The meeting I attended was more of an orientation; my writing samples had already gotten me the position.
I am not sure what I am supposed to be doing. We talked about me covering college sports, specifically soccer, baseball, and track. He had soccer and baseball for me, because my writing samples were soccer and I said that I was a baseball fan. Track entered the mix because I ran four years of it in High School, so I understand the sport well.
Soccer and baseball aren't that great of ideas. Soccer is a fall sport. I raised this point in an e-mail afterwards and he said that he knew, but he still thought soccer content – stories, not news– would be good. That'll outta be an interesting challenge. Stories, not news seems to be the way this paper intends to separate itself from the rest. That might be a bit of a struggle for me, since I am a pretty solid news writing but my less structured writing is more lacking. Not having a car for me is going to be a royal pain in the ass and a severe crutch with this gig. I am hoping that when the online version of the site gets going, they'll be day to day coverage of the Orioles and I'll be to do a strictly online gig there. I seem to have my foot in the door, because I've seem to be good favor after composing a couple of small things for them. Still, I think I'll need to show some competency in the field.
Well, I've reached my four hundred word limit. Sorry that I had to take time off from writing a bit, but I'll sharing that story with y'all soon.|W|P|114558125381945055|W|P|Do you want to go to Hooters?|W|P|76mang@cua.edu4/24/2006 12:57:00 PM|W|P| MegS|W|P|you're a real newspaperman.
YEAAHH!!!!4/09/2006 09:57:00 PM|W|P|Robert Mang|W|P|It's difficult to be under so much scrutiny. Two doctors (one of which presents the opposing viewpoint to anything you say, the other is the king of Caution), a mother, a father, siblings, extended family, some interest from kids I went to school with, blog friends, and a whole internet community all watching your every move. All wanting you to be healthy and okay. If you're not, then they're quick to say that you'd be better only if you ate fruit or went for a run, kept a journal or maybe got some sun. Or some other insulting trivialization of the matter. This comes right after they ask you if you're taking your medicine. Healthy or not, they laugh if you tell them you want to double major, do a lot of extra curricula activities or go back to school over the summer. You're rushing things, being overly ambitious and/or setting yourself up for failure.
How can you tell these people they're full of shit? All they want to do is help you! Why can't you take the help? What's wrong with you? All they want is the best for you. And besides, you're the one that let them in. It is rude to question them; ruder to let them hear you complain. How horrible it would be to whine to the people who only want to help you. So what happens? You withdraw. You don't want the scrutiny anymore, you don't want the questions anymore and the demands for specifics. You want to just be allowed to live in your little imaginary world where there's no depression, no mania, no embarrassment*, and you can do whatever it is you want.
But of course there are no imaginary worlds. So you start lying. Even to your doctors. And now you're just being counterproductive. The thing that everybody, yourself included, hates the most. A person who won't let themselves be helped. But the fact is, you're just tired of all the help. Tired of all the appointments. Tired of the peanut gallery. You've just had enough of it. You just want to go back to the way things were before.
Is that too much to ask? **
* I was not at all ashamed or embarrassed about my problems when I first sought help. With each passing day, my shame has grown slightly. Probably because of the lack of quick resolution and overly optimistic positions I've taken.
** This message paid for by the rem = full-time*** summer student in 2006 campaign
***Two classes at a time, lady and gentlemen. Two!|W|P|114463428244983066|W|P|Whiny. ungrateful, spoiled brat!|W|P|76mang@cua.edu4/09/2006 10:02:00 PM|W|P| Robert Mang|W|P|Okay, so I may have gotten a bit caught up there in the moment. But never let the facts mess with a good story. Anyways, I just wish that people would let me drive.4/10/2006 04:56:00 AM|W|P| |W|P|I did two classes at a time this last summer. Three classes for a span of two weeks in the middle of it. I finished off with a 3.53 GPA. You can do it and do better, I bet.
If you live your life according to the advice everyone gives you and not according to what you feel is right to do... well, it drove me crazy, at least. (Does this count as advice-pushing too? :))
You always have all our best wishes. You're a cool guy, rem. However it is you get better, I hope you can. And I apologize for any advice-pushing I've done in the past. :)4/10/2006 05:47:00 PM|W|P| Robert Mang|W|P|I had a 3.5 doing two classes, although one at a time, last summer.
I do have to take back a fair amount of my remarks here. A ton of people have been awfully supportive of me and without that support I might not be here. A couple of those ton aren't really giving advice; they're telling me what to do. I was just lashing at that select few.4/11/2006 02:15:00 AM|W|P| twins15|W|P|As I wrote to ria on her blog, I really have no experience and no real good advice, but you're in my thoughts rem! Hope things are going well.4/12/2006 02:17:00 PM|W|P| MegS|W|P|Whenever I feel like my life is falling apart, I HATE IT when people say "oh, it will all be better soon."
I'm like "I know. I just don't want to go through the shit it takes to make it better."
(me me me)
Great entry. And I loved the sun and run rhyme.4/07/2006 05:33:00 PM|W|P|Robert Mang|W|P|Well, a short update became much shorter when I accidentally deleted it. To summarize: I have been really lazy this week and I have an interview on Monday. The interview, I'm pretty sure I already have the job, although I don't know what the job is, but back to the interview: it's with a new Baltimore sports newspaper. I am an apprising sports journalist. Obviously, this is a good match. I doubt things will actually work out – some logistical issues are likely to cause problems. But wish me luck!|W|P|114444571320098802|W|P|Quick Update|W|P|76mang@cua.edu4/08/2006 12:53:00 AM|W|P| MegS|W|P|YES!! GO FOR IT!!!!!!
I am so excited for you.4/08/2006 12:55:00 AM|W|P| Robert Mang|W|P|This is exactly why I wasn't going to say anything until after it happened. But I gave in. :)
For the record, I still DO NOT think it will work out. But we will have to see.4/09/2006 01:48:00 PM|W|P| MegS|W|P|oh, it's okay to get excited. even if you don't get it, it's not a reflection of you.
and by the way...I usually lose my cool and practically break down crying when I accidentally delete posts. so you had a very calm reaction, it seems. :-)4/01/2006 01:26:00 AM|W|P|Robert Mang|W|P|A year ago today, April fool's day, was the day that I realized that I was basically fucked and that I needed help to get back on the right path. I had been aware that I had problems for awhile but April 1st was the day I realized how bad things were and I got help a few days later. I had read a friend's away message which read “Some people dream of great things, while others get up and achieve them.” For whatever reason, probably because I was oversleeping a lot, this hit me hard. It made me realize how screwed up I was and that it did not have to be this way – I was, I am, better than this. A year later, I am afraid that I am disappointed with how things turned out.
The stuff that happened between now and then I, of course, did not expect and am, of course, not happy that those things happened. But that's not what I'm focusing on – I am looking at the here and the now: where I am today. The biggest difference between now and then is that I'm not attending a four year college. That really sucks. I struggled every day to keep up, to get some work done, etc, etc last year. But my life had a purpose to it, a meaning, goals, something to strive for. I don't have that now.
My psychiatrist preaches structure; I make goals that I never keep. But nothing can replicate the sense of meaning that I have when I am actually doing something. I know that I am much to blame for not doing more now. That doesn't make it any easier to live with; in fact, it makes it harder.
I have to give myself some credit here. It was my idea to go to community college – I am the one that made it happen. My parents didn't think I'd go: they didn't think I'd lower myself. I wanted to take a heavier course load, but the doctors insisted that I not. He was right, things probably would not have gone well, but I might have been in a better place mentally.
Anyways, back on topic. From a mental health standpoint, I am much better now than I was when I was at my worst. But it comparison to where I was at this point last year, I am only slightly better. Not what you'd hope for after all the treatment I have had. I have grown and matured. But I still find myself having many of the bad habits I had last year and that's...disappointing.|W|P|114387278975961624|W|P|April Fool's Day|W|P|76mang@cua.edu4/03/2006 05:46:00 AM|W|P| |W|P|I feel you on the meaning/purpose thing. That is the major adjustment I am still dealing with. I loved school, not only the work I got to do but the feeling of doing something important. Now I can't do that anymore, and what do I have left? Sitting around all day doing nothing. The major things I do each day are 1) shower, 2) eat, 3) clean up after myself. SUCH big accomplishments.
I don't know how to deal with that, because I can't choose something to replace school to make me feel like I'm doing something important. Whatever it would be, it'd be just as hard for me to pull off as school is. You know? It's the effort that kills me health-wise, not what the effort is going toward.
It's frustrating.
I will say this: You may not be completely better, but that doesn't mean you haven't made huge leaps. Look at your lowest lows, and all you had to do just to get to the point you're at now, and what you have to do to maintain it. That's plenty of effort. It's not like you haven't done a lot.
Keep going. It maye be a slow road, but you can do it and you will get better as you go.4/03/2006 11:35:00 PM|W|P| |W|P|"Keep going. It maye be a slow road, but you can do it and you will get better as you go."
Word.
Also realize that the road doesn't necessarily have to go in the direction you think it is going. Just be proud that you are on the road in the first place. You may not believe me when I say that many people are not "on the road", but it is the truth as I can see it.
Keep it real, homey.
Craig4/04/2006 04:20:00 PM|W|P| MegS|W|P|A year can seem like a long time...but at the same time, it's a very short time.
(deep, I know)
It's only been a year. You've come far. So you still got a ways to go - it's to be expected. You're not a failure. At all.
MegS|W|P|rather poetic, if you ask me.
|W|P|Potter Stewart